Wow time is flying, I can’t even believe it’s December already! With the New Year approaching I feel like this is the first time in my life where actually felt myself growing up. It seems like something clicked and now my mind is maturing, my body is evolving, I just feel something different in my soul.
As the days pass, I’m starting to realize that some things in life just aren’t worth fighting about, being stressed out about or arguing over. There’s so many things that are so much greater than your own situation and you never know what other people are going through in their daily lives. Everyday we’re hearing about mass shootings, riots, racism, violence, disasters. There’s people in our own country living without clean water to drink and living in sickness and without electricity. I just thank God in the mornings for waking me up each day.
Lately, I find myself thinking a lot about growing up, random little snippets of my childhood keep coming back to me and it seems like so long ago. It’s funny I’ll just hear a song or do something that reminded me of something else. Then I start thinking, damn it really is true that life is too short. Looking back 10 years ago feels like looking back yesterday and you be like, oh shit that was 10 years ago. But it’s crazy how we feel so young still.
We’re not so young anymore! On social media scrolling I see all my family and friends from back home growing up, getting married and starting families and I’m like damn, this is really what happens when you grow up. Pretty soon it’s probably going to be me, and I’m just patiently waiting my turn at these new chapters of life. I’ve just been feeling like all these feelings I’ve repressed from the past about family and friends and different situations doesn’t even matter anymore, because none of it is helping me move forward. It’s actually hurting me and hindering me from just living my best life and becoming who I’m supposed to be. I’m tired of letting how I grew up and people who’ve let me down dictate how I feel going about life in general, it’s just too depressing and I’m trying to move on.
Life is precious. I look at my family and I see them in a different way now. A little older in the face, more fragile and I get a little bit sad inside, because it seems like so much time has passed. I start thinking about all the time we wasted being mad and holding grudges and now we’re older and we can’t rekindle our relationships the way its supposed to happen naturally. It’s sad, because I wish I could go back and spend more time with family. I feel like I have a whole family out that I never even knew and probably will never know. I wish I could go back and change so many things, but time just goes on.
I feel like in another life I was born into a different time, a simpler time. I know that maybe I have always been different in my ways than my friends, and it used to scare me, because I just wanted to think like my age instead of my age plus like 20. Instead of enjoying myself I wanted everybody around me to understand me. Understand what I needed to be me. Understand what I needed to really be content with my life in general. All I need in life is Love, Solace and Organization. Solace + Love + Organization = Happiness. I need time alone with my thoughts, I need the kind of love that’s compassionate and empathetic and comforting and willing and delicate, and God if I don’t need organization, in every part of my life I don’t know what else. I know I found my happiness though and I love it. I love him, my Fabo. I never had to change any aspect of who I am for him and that’s why I feel like I’m starting to become who I really am. I feel like everything’s aligned and I’ve suddenly found my glory.
I didn’t know that growing into a woman would feel like this, finally paying more attention to the things in life that truly make me happy. I’m not even thinking about things I was 10 years ago. All the time I was crying over things that didn’t matter and constantly living in past, I never knew that one day I’d one day become someone so different who could love someone so differently, or shift my focus to the present. Now that December is here and the holidays are near I just want to focus on being a better person, focus on family and keeping everybody close. It’ll be a new year before we know it, and next year we’ll be looking back on how much more we’ve grown. Who will you become?