I was listening to some old Mary J. Blige today and it started hitting me so hard. Her music evokes something in you, you get a glimpse of her soul and all she’s been through. It kind of forces you to look inside yourself, and face your burdens, it takes me back to a place where pain resides. Maybe I need to let it go, maybe its hindering me from really moving forward and moving on. But I must say I’m still a little bitter.
I just wish I never met you.
I think everyday that I wouldn’t be here right now in this predicament, picking up all these shattered pieces of my world if it weren’t for you. I get even more angry when I think about how you just get to go back to your fake life before me, and pretend like all of this never happened. I wonder who you’re pretending to be now.
Last time I heard from you, you sent me a sorry ass email telling me how you’ll always love me and how I’ll always have a special space in your heart. I deleted it, because I don’t want a space in your heart. In your toxic love. What I want are my chains back, the one my dad gave me and especially the gold one that I bought for your birthday. How do you even look still wearing it, a token of my love that you didn’t even deserve. Holding onto that little glimmer of hope that I’ll be back for you some day?
I’ll be glad if I never see your face again.
I agree, my reaction was very delayed. It took a while to overcome this sick attachment to you, and I was completely blinded by shock and pain. But my nightingale was no longer singing. Only thing left singing in the end was my battered soul, my broken heart and my tarnished mind frame filled with a long list of regrets, all initialed FD.
Ya know, I hope you sleep really well at night knowing you succeeded in ruining my life and everything I had going for myself. Was it my potential? Were you threatened by my potential? You’d prefer to have me blending in in the shadows, than unleash me and let me fly. Well you can’t keep a bird caged for long. I guess you got all you came for, and great you developed an attachment to me too. It was never love. It’s crazy, because I had never been chosen before, and you were real choosy too. I guess God chose you to be my lesson, maybe because everything felt too good to be true from the start so I should’ve known.
I think God sent some people recently to tell me not to give up, and not to give up on writing. I appreciated it, because I needed to hear it and I’ve been wanting to give up on everything. Lately its been feeling like every step forward leads me somewhere backward, somewhere I’ve been before, back to pain.
Thank you for getting me wrapped up in pain.
But you know what pain creates, and how pain creates? Pain creates masterpieces.
You, little boy in a man’s body, I hope you become a better man someday. I hope you learn how to treat a woman, how to cherish and provide. I’m leaving this here today, because I don’t ever want you to contact me again. I’m not even going to mention you again. Don’t worry all the photos are gone, and the hand full of good times doesn’t make up for the ripple effects of this pain that you sucked me into. I shouldn’t even have to say it, you know who you are.