I Reminisce.

I Reminisce.

I’ve been on the move, stepping into my new season.

It’s only been a month since I’ve been back in Jersey and I feel like I’ve been doing the most. I came here on a mission and I’m out here seizing every opportunity, doing all the things I told myself I would. But still, it always feels as if I could be doing so much more. I don’t know, I guess I enjoy living at a pace where my mind can keep up, my lifestyle always has to match my energy. And yet people always tell me that I need to learn how to slow down, how to relax, but I feel like there’s not much time to sit still with all the things I want to accomplish in life. There’s just a different fire that fuels me inside, it’s a hustler’s ambition.

Every time I think about giving up, I reminisce back to a time where I was fired and I wasn’t sure if my next move would be my best move. I had no money, and the burden of creditors and unpaid bills wouldn’t escape me. I reminisce back to a time where I cried for Jersey and the teenage years I felt I missed out on. I reminisce back to a time when fake love clouded my judgement and wouldn’t release me. I reminisce back to a time when I was lost in nostalgia, and depression and anxiety was my worst enemy. I reminisce back to a time when I was hopeless and unable to see the light.

And now, I’m here. I am the light.

I’m learning how to be here, how to stay here. How to be present, how to keep my feet on the ground long enough to enjoy all life’s beautiful moments, how to sit back and enjoy my progress. I don’t even think I’ve taken the time to give myself much credit, if any, for making it this far after what I’ve been through. Only a month ago I was staring at Ash-Lee after both of us were searching for jobs for weeks, after Pops was a bust and after there was just something too fishy about Shrimps. I told her that when the opportunity presented itself to make sure I took it, and when it came, she made sure I went.

I was scared to uproot myself from where I’d been settled for so long, in the apartment where I came to start over, near my mom, near my sister, near the one true friend that it took me years to find. It was a tough sacrifice, but had I let the opportunity pass me by I wouldn’t have ended up back here aligned with so many of those who are here too, on this same path. It’s all happening, this energy here is indescribable. Suddenly I feel like I can do any and everything.

Energy.

It matters, and now a days I only surround myself with energies that motivate me and challenge me to vibrate on a higher frequency.

Frequency.

I no longer want to lower mine for anyone, or push myself to understand people who just love being misunderstood. I’m done meandering through these murky waters where the tides upset my spirit. I’m too deep to swim so shallow. I just wanna go higher, to places where my mind has never been before. 

This is half- time.

I’ve got a new therapist and she told me that maybe I just needed a vacation, and maybe she’s right in a sense that I just had to remove myself for a while in order to get to know myself again. I’ve been enjoying this time of being alone and learning how to be comfortable being alone. Not that it hasn’t been emotional. Some days I cry all day, just going about my daily routine letting the tears roll. It’s fine to cry, I’m still healing and breaking out of my shell, breaking down all my inner layers in search of who I truly am inside.

It feels good to be alone, I’ve been having a great time without all the excess baggage. I’m just out here chasing my dreams, making connections and moving forward. I’ve been doing whatever it takes. I’m done second guessing myself, and allowing my own fears and the fears inflicted upon me by others hold me back, because its led me in circles in the past. I’m learning not to seek the opinions of others so much, because not everyone’s intentions are good and in reality what other people think doesn’t even matter. Happiness is a choice, and once I decided to be happy and to stop living with the blues, I learned how to just follow my heart. People like us know that when you look deep inside the heart, you’ll find the answers. We know that love is the answer.

I guess I was searching for love, and not in the form of romance, but real love. The kind that’s just there, it goes unsaid and it lasts forever. Jersey show me love. It’s been a while since I felt like I belonged somewhere, and being here has been so humbling and inspiring to push myself to be something more. I look around and everyone here is on the come up, we’re just busy supporting one another and making history. These are the times we’ll be looking back on when we make it, and we will make it, this is destined. It’s already done.

The fruits come with sacrifice, hard work, endless seeds planted, long days, late nights and early mornings. I’m tired. I’ve been spreading myself thin lately, and some days I question if this is the lifestyle I really want to live. But then I reminisce back to what the alternative looks like, and it isn’t one I’d be able to live with. I’ve seen too much struggle to not want to break the cycles and move forward.

And it’s not even just for me, it’s for everyone who’s been there for me supporting me, my blog, my writing, my talents, and believing in me from day one. This is for my people, this is for Jersey.

We’re almost there. 💋

Seasons Change.

Seasons Change.

I guess my light must’ve been shinning bright today, I think I’m finally ready to write.

It kind of feels like I escaped. Like when your goldfish jumps out of its little fish bowl, I came out gasping for air to breathe. Back then I didn’t have the choice of whether to leave or go, well at least I thought I didn’t. It’s strange though, even the leaves are different here, they’re scattered about everywhere covering the streets. They’re falling bright yellows, reds and orange. Where am I? The air is brisk too, but I can finally really feel the seasons changing again, it’s hitting my senses pretty hard.

Even with life in the fast lane, I’ve always loved the park. I could come here sit for hours, kick my feet up and swing for hours, sit on a bench talk for hours, rustle in the leaves for hours. I feel like a kid again. What can I say, I’m from the city and we don’t mind being outside. Not much laziness around here. I guess there’s something freeing about letting nature just take all your pain. It was like flushing the toilet to the biggest shit of my life.

Good-bye Virginia.

Good writ-tens, I couldn’t stand waking up every morning facing the remnants of pain day after day. Why do it to myself? At least here the memories are faded, but even when I look back, there’s a happiness within them. I can look back at everything and smile. Virginia was just bad for my whole spirit, it drained me of all this precious energy. So what can I say, when the opportunity presented itself I took it. And then viola, I’m gone. Back to who I am, back to who I’ve always been.

And suddenly, life.

Suddenly, realness. I can finally regain some sanity.

All I can say is assimilation is a real thing. It’s something I’ve learned about, but never realized to be true until now. I had assimilated, I turned myself into this other person to fit in. With Virginians. But I told y’all I’ve been missing my people. I knew there was a new city calling me, but I didn’t think it was my own. I felt like it would be strange to come back, and I do feel strange. But, it’s just overwhelming to finally be back in a place I call home.

It’s been 8 long years. Really, really long years. And on my life’s journey, I’ve went through a lot of tough shit that lead me back to here. I’m grateful. I’ve been praying for this, and it all happened so fast that it was shocking when it was unfolding right before my eyes. It was the route seldom taken; go back to from where I came.

It’s cold out here yo, it’s really fucking cold, and this chill in the air ain’t nothing like no normal wind, this that bitter cold. I guess that’s hat’s why we really ain’t got time for shit. Like bye, always keeping it moving.

I’m really never going back, I left my keys to my apartment along with some other Anissa, and drove away.

I never looked back, and I’m never going to.

This is my path, I’m only moving forward. Oh hello Jersey, Nissy’s home. 💋

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Cultivating confidence; while struggling with your truth| Mileka

Hey y’all,

I wanted to share this series from Tekia from Myvicariouslifeblog on Cultivating Confidence with you again, because this type of empowerment is important and I salute that. This topic especially, is something that hits home really hard for me. It may be hard for people to understand unless you too have been through a separation or a divorce as a child.

I was intrigued by the effect of being a product of a single parent home growing up. In school, I always did my research papers on emotional effects of divorce, because I wanted to know why I am the way I am. I’m glad she’s back again and this time covering daddy issues and the long term effects of daughters’ growing up with fathers who aren’t around as much as they should be.

People like to joke around about this, but its a real thing. The impact of these feelings of filling this type of void often leads to attachment in relationships, at least in my case it did.

There’s a reason behind it all.

Read about Mileka’s story here!

1. Tell us a little bit about yourself + where do you reside and what it is you do? Where can we find you on social media? Hello, my name is Mileka, I am 25 years old and I was born/reside from a small town called West Point, MS. I am a one year graduate from […]

via Cultivating confidence; while struggling with your truth| Mileka —

Not Sorry.

Not Sorry.

I got fired from Hand and Stone yesterday, apparently I wasn’t performing well, because I don’t put on this elaborate performance for the clients to get them to sign up for memberships. “Your work ethic is great, and you could be great at sales, I know you could, but you’re too nice.” That’s what they always say.

Well I’m sorry, I am who I am.

That’s the problem, I’m uncomfortable when I’m not me and they all want me to be somebody I’m not. This is not a show,  I’m not a character in my own life, and sometimes I feel like I’m a whole character on someone else’s show. They want me to be fake. They want to tailor me for their brand. Well I’m sorry, I’m my own brand,  all I know how to be is me.

Everybody gets the same me.

I’m the same me at work, at home, at church, in the street, in school, wherever. I’m me, period.

I’m a writer.

So what did I do on my first day fired? I went and treated myself to a spa pedicure and a full set and got back to work. On my blog.

I’m just tired, and I’m a little angry too, because I wish everybody would stop trying to censor me. They want me to censor my blog, and what I say. They want me to be careful of what employers or family members might see. Well I’m sorry, I talk about my life here, this is real life here.

I keep telling myself, I should chill because I’ve been going off, but really this is nothing new to me. This is everything that’s been on my mind and everything that’s been left unsaid. Every time I bite my tongue, the unspoken words come back to haunt me and I have no choice but to shake them loose.

Now I’ve spilled the beans and my thoughts are spilling everywhere, its hard to contain them. Its hard to contain my individuality and the fucks I don’t give about anything other than my passions. But I am a Gemini, an air sign at its finest too, so I should’ve known I could get like this. I’m a deep, deep thinker. Sometimes I get caught in my different perspectives and it makes it hard to think straight, and then the indecision leaves me stagnant. But I enjoy sitting on clouds, day dreaming, and sometimes its hard to keep my feet on the ground; but when I hit the floor believe I take off running.

The devil has been working lately, it’s been a series of unfortunate events that had me tripping but, that’s fine. I’m smiling inside, because I know on the other side of this, there’s something crazy that I’m being prepared for. All of these storms and craziness that’s swept through my life, and I come out triumphant every time. Empowered through speaking my truth.

No more.

I’ve been feeling inspired lately, seems that the stars are finally aligned and amazing things are happening. My mindset has become more of a make a decision and make it with my whole heart, kind of thing, and if I fail I bet I learned a valuable lesson so I accept it.

I should’ve freed my soul a long time ago, because once I started living again, I felt alive. You do receive the energy you put out, and I wish I knew before, because I once I released these creative vibes, that’s that I got back. You’re in charge here, its all about balance and flow. What energy are you allowing to come into your life? What are you putting up with? When you find negative energy, you have to nip it, before it brings you down. Shift your focus.

I wear many hats, but there are very few that bring me peace and happiness. I’ve found that all my problems arise when I throw all my good energy into the things that aren’t important to me, I feel shackled, and I’m left so burnt out I don’t even have energy to give back to myself.

Well I’m sorry, not anymore.

I should’ve said what was on my mind a long time ago. I’m fired, and I don’t know what’s happening, but I feel good. The truth does set you free and this is real life here, speak it.💋

 

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Cultivating confidence; while struggling with your truth| Jessica Gordon —

Yay, I love featuring other blogs on my site!

I was inspired today by Takeia from Myvicariouslifeblog after reading her interview, where she had the opportunity to speak some real truths. My heart was actually breaking, reading about some of her experiences and what she’s has had to overcome in life. She’s proof that when you endure, you will overcome, but only if you never give up and always remember what you are striving for. I have developed a mission for iReminiss: To motivate and encourage others to speak their truths and heal themselves from within. This post reminded me why I write, and what motivates me to share my stories and to let it all hang out.

Though my blog is for everyone, I do believe that all women, especially the youth need mentors and role models. We need women to focus more on coming together and empowering one another, and practice giving our strength to one another. We need more women lifting each other up, rather than stealing each others light and tearing each other down.

I left a comment on Takeia’s post that women have the strength to endure so much, always working two and three jobs, taking care of others, nurturing toxic relationships, birthing children, neglecting ourselves, and we still manage to pick our million pieces up off the ground. Though it’s difficult at times, we need to cultivate confidence in one another and encourage our women to heal themselves from within.

Check out Takeia’s post on cultivating confidence, while struggling with your truths! 💋

1. Tell us a little bit about yourself + where do you reside and what it is you do? Where can we find you on social media? Greetings! My name is Jessica Gordon and I live in Charlotte, NC. I am a new mom and wife and an Educator for a large, urban public school […]

via Cultivating confidence; while struggling with your truth| Jessica Gordon —

A Rose is A Rose.

A Rose is A Rose.

I used to get all crazy about the idea of a man buying me roses, I couldn’t wait for the day that it would make me feel nice. Like the idea of someone thinking of me and buying me flowers, and leaving a note saying “just because,”  it’s cute you know?

Well, I buy my own flowers.

After all, a rose is just a rose. And I don’t even like roses. Yes, they’re beautiful in their essence, but they’re fragile and they die quickly. Their reign is short lived, just when you’ve started to appreciate their beauty, they’re gone.

Well I’m no rose, not anymore.

I’m more of a European Pompon, they’re my favorite. I appreciate them, they kind of remind me of me. I did some research, apparently they symbolize optimism and joy. It’s crazy, because that’s exactly what they bring to me. Their many colors are bold and vibrant, and just as you take your eye off of them for a second, they bloom.

Recently I was bringing up some flowers that I brought for myself, they were these beautiful green and white Euros. My neighbor passing by stopped me, expressing how beautiful the flowers were, and that someone must really love me to have got them for me. I smiled, and I told him I brought them for myself, I love myself. 💋

Autumn Blues.

Autumn Blues.

Hello October,

I’m so happy you came, you’re usually good to me. Your autumn breeze is crisp and fruitful and it brings with it a much needed abundance and prosperity. I hope this year is no different, because I’m starting to feel like I need to start over. I need to get back to doing everything I had planned to do before everything got out of control. If I could just pick up and leave tomorrow, I’d leave it all behind. My apartment, my car, my job, all of it, all tangible and easily replaceable. I heard all you really need is a dollar and a dream, people pick up and move away with nothing but the clothes on their backs all the time. They make it.

So what’s stopping me?

I have a weird attachment to this city, but it’s nothing more than that. RVA has always been the city I ran away to, the one I leaned on to escape from whatever I was going through, to be on my own and feel free, but now I feel shackled like there’s nothing here for me anymore. I feel like its finally time to move on. Remember in RVA Blues, when I said that this felt like the perfect place to start over? Well it was, the sun shined in on me every morning, and at night the moonlight did the same, and though tables have turned, I’ve still got the blues. I’ve got more of an autumn blues now I guess, my spirit is low, but the season is changing and I’ve got a bold, deep, longing for something new.

I’m just not sure if I’ll really be ready when opportunity comes knocking, I’m not sure if I have the courage to move away to a foreign city, and I’m not sure if my writing is really good enough to take me places. But, I believe it will. It’s time to ignite this fire within me.

In church this past week the pastor preached about being courageous enough to let the world see your light. Well I am the light, I’m just undiscovered and patiently waiting on that one opportunity that’ll change my life forever, my big break.

I’m hoping that it’ll take me away to some place where I can breathe more easily, where I won’t have to look over my shoulder. Some place where I can continue to move forward with my writing and begin to create something. I’m looking for a new city to adopt me, to  take me under its wing and cultivate me. I wanna immerse myself in a new vibe, try some new food, drink some new brews and collaborate with some new individuals.

I’ve got my eye on a city, can you guess it? I’ve been planting seeds there, I wonder if its where I’ll actually end up.

I heard too that the words I am have the power to change your life. Well if that’s true then I am a writer. I am busting out of this city! I am ready to embark on a new journey elsewhere. I am destined to be successful. I am here, with a purpose to change the world.💋