We’ve got time.

We’ve got time.

Have you ever got lost in time? It’s possible.

Ahh, the idea of time is so relative. I mean, you really could just fly around the world and be back to 6 o’clock in the evening in no time right? Sometimes it feels like the day is just flying by and other times it feels like the we’re moving in slow motion. Shouldn’t we all be free enough to move at the pace we desire, to do everything we’ve ever wanted?

I used to have an annoying habit of constantly checking the time, convincing myself that I didn’t have time to do this or that. Using that same excuse that I can’t do this, because I have to work later or whatever the case may be. Hmm, there’s a song I like by Sabrina Claudio, she says we’ve got time to grow, to think, breathe ..the air we need.

And we do!

The world will have us rushing around thinking that we need to eat at this time, sleep by this time. It’ll have us watching the clock all day long instead of actually doing anything at all, when the time for absolutely everything is now 💋

In Honor of 24.

In Honor of 24.

Hmm, Au Naturale?

I used to wonder what the hype of this natural movement was all about and its starting to become very clear to me that its about way more than letting go of your perm to get kinky, curly hair. Now that I think about it, this journey of self discovery all started with my hair. There was something freeing about growing my hair out and having my appearance in the mirror actually reflect my true self, no more hiding.

I’ve hidden behind a facade for as long as I can even remember, actually. I used to find a lot of comfort in being like everybody else, but I guess it was easier to want to fit in, because every time I tried to stand out it was uncomfortable. People around me were always dismissing my interests instead of realizing that these are the things that made me who I was.

I’d hear things like you’re such a geek, why you always reading, or why you aways listening to this depressing music, why you drive like this, why won’t you put some lip gloss on, fluff your hair out like this. It got to the point where I started thinking I really was weird and I traded many of my interests for things that just barely made me happy. I’d turn the station to some music that I knew the person riding with me would like, wear something uncomfortable just to look cute and became obsessed with the idea of everything in my life needing to be perfect.

I remember in third grade, my elementary school put me in the Gifted and Talented Program (GT), it was for the kids who did really well in reading or something, who knows. I just knew it was special. At first I was so happy, because we got to leave our normal class for a little while during the school day to work on different activities. But then I started to hate going, because it was frustrating.

They’d give us packets of different riddles and activities to do to cultivate logical thinking and I could never understand them. The other kids would be completing them so quickly, and I’d just be sitting there looking around, getting anxious, and then I’d just give up.  I eventually stopped going, but I know now that what they were trying to do was open our minds and get us to think from different perspectives.

Pretty much up until high school my friends always defined me as someone who was smart. I mean I knew that I was, but it was annoying for me back then because even though I knew I was book smart, I was also creative, thoughtful, imaginative, intuitive, but I also liked to party and go out and have fun. Its like I didn’t know how to balance it all in a way that was accepted by everyone else. It seemed like in everyone else’s mind there was no way I could be smart and then some. I should’ve stayed in GT, because that mindset wasn’t logical thinking at all.

When everything started to hit the fan, I kept remembering being at my grandparent’ s house in Cranford, taking walks to the waterfall and loving being outside in the backyard in the woods under the trees. The trees had the biggest leaves I’d ever seen, and they used to turn this beautiful yellow color in the fall. I remember my grandmother had these binoculars under the bed that I would use to birdwatch out the window into the woods. I used to love being at the park, taking walks and sitting by myself and listening to nature. It was the last time I had ever felt free.

Its crazy thinking about how I managed to give up all of those beautiful things that helped me feel connected to something greater, for a facade that never even brought me complete happiness, out of mere fear of being uncomfortable. It became way too much keeping up with my perm, my weave, my nails, my this, my that. My most awkward years in life were the ones where I wanted to be like everyone else. But then its like, you trade everything you are for what? To be like everybody else? It’s not even worth it.

Facades are ridiculous, all they cause is pain. I’m guilty of trying to maintain this double life for years. Stuck in the middle of the idea of who I should be and who I know deep down that I’ve always been. So what if I like to be alone with my thoughts, sit by the river, crochet a blanket, listen to Alina Baraz, or go out for tea instead of happy hour. Happiness is circumstantial, I’m sorry your facade is preventing you from experiencing the things that truly bring you joy.

23 was a weird, weird year for me. I kept getting a strange feeling that everything was about to change, and it did. I’ve let go of every thing that used to define me, and taken back the definition I’d made for myself a long time ago. My grandmother asked me how it feels to be 24, and at first I was thinking that it doesn’tThen when I actually thought about it, this is the first time I’ve actually felt free again. It all started with my hair, which when I just let it be, it finally began to flourish.

Well, In honor of 24

I’m letting go of it all. I want to focus on speaking my own personal truths. Self acceptance and learning to embrace the things that you see as flaws is a natural  journey. But, in honor of 24 I’ve stopped obsessing over the questions of why am I like this? Why don’t I like this? Why can’t I be like this? When the answer has simply been because all long. And that’s okay.

In honor of 24 I wanted to tell my readers that I’m thankful for my blog and for everyones support. I’m proud to say that I’ve reached 100 followers! Loyal followers too, who offer different perspectives and point of views. I love the engagement and the stories of others who want to share, its amazing and truly inspiring.

In honor of 24, I’m focusing on making this my best year, because the best present overall are the lessons I’ve learned and the gratification of knowing that everything is finally beginning to make sense and fall into place. It was the first birthday since being a child that I had natural hair, I never would have thought that this would also be the year when everything changed. The year that I changed, and I’m forever grateful. 💋

Life lyrics in a Song

Life lyrics in a Song

 

Happy Monday!

My sister shared this thread from a twitter post with me and it was talking about the different soulmates you meet during your life, and I absolutely know its true that you can have more than one soulmate, both romantic and platonic. Getting older I’ve realized that all relationships are about connections. I think growing up and going through trials has always brought forth the people in my life that know a different side of me, a more intuitive side. I get taken aback when I talk to them, because I forget how well they actually know me but, then I remember that the connection that we have is much deeper than words.

I honestly thank God for writing. I thank God for writing every single day. I feel like through writing, I’ve found such a sense of self and have been liberated to be who I really am. I can finally use this voice that I had silenced inside of me for so long, out of fear of being misunderstood. Through writing, I can express myself in the purest form, and thats all I’ve ever wanted in life, in a career and in any friendship or relationship.

I had a guy this weekend sit with me and go on and on telling me about how much money I can make if I do this, or go into this career, or sacrifice this for this, for this many years doing this. And I was honestly so irritated and anxious, because life and happiness for me has nothing to do with money and I’m willing to make sacrifices for things, yes. But only for what I’m most passionate about, whether that be a person, a career, or a feeling. Otherwise, you end up following someone else’s path, and living someone else’s dream life. 

I know I said that some connections you just can’t be put into words. But It’s kinda like, have you ever heard your whole life in the lyrics to a song? If not, I don’t know if we’re  on the same page… 💋

-Reminissy

 

 

 

 

How Does it Feel?

How Does it Feel?

I had my first therapy session today. This is something that I’ve wanted to do for years and it feels really good to finally be able to do this for myself. I feel like theres such a negative view of therapy and mental health in the world. Mental health is so important. The mind is a very powerful thing and it fuels so much within us. I feel like its a topic that is often unacceptable, overlooked and very easily dismissed. When I think about feelings and emotions, I think about how these are things we cannot really help or control at times. Sometimes when our emotions get the best of us we can’t even control our actions or our reactions. Sometimes we loose control and our mind starts affecting our body and spirt and frankly thats life, everybody has been through it.

I’m learning in life that you really have no idea what other people have been through or what they’re currently going through. It is so easy to wake up in the morning and put on the fakest smile to get through the day, because at the end of the day you know you have to do what you have to do survive. Some people don’t realize that everyones limits are different and sometimes you stop finding that inner strength that used to drive you, or your coping methods just aren’t working anymore, and things that happened in your childhood are finally starting to affect your adult life. It can get overwhelming enough to where theres nothing else to do but help yourself. I just don’t see why the idea of it all is so frowned upon.

After opening up about my situation and really seeing how supportive my family, my friends and my readers have been, I just want to say that if you need to help you should absolutely do that. Having a professional who is honest, unbiased, non-judgmental; who just listens to you vent and hears whats in between the lines of what you are really trying to express was the most freeing experience.

They do not react in emotion so you are able to get your point across at your own pace, without interruption of opinion or backlash. They don’t say things like, “don’t feel that way,” or “you shouldn’t feel that way” or you’re so this or that for feeling that way.” I wish I would’ve done this years ago, because you cannot help how you feel at times, and that’s the point. They help you get to the source of whats driving your deepest feelings or why you feel so deeply and intensely about a life event or situation.

So how does it feel you ask? I feel great! I’m all about healing so I think everyone should try it. My cousin told me today to do what’s best for you, when it comes to therapy trust the process and don’t rush the process. Trust it, don’t rush it. Thanks Liz, I like it. Good words to live by 💋.

-Reminissy

Catfish in the Sea.

Catfish in the Sea.

This is really hard for me, but I feel like God is telling me to share my story.

I found out my boyfriend was a catfish almost 2 years into our relationship. Everything that he had originally told me about himself was a lie. He never graduated from college, he had no degree in Computer Science, he wasn’t a Geek Squad Manager at Best Buy, and when I got the eviction notice from our apartment I found out that he had never been paying our rent.

Every single day was a lie. I would get up and head to work during the day thinking that he was doing the same, but it turns out he would get dressed and act like he was going to work. When I’d call he’d ignore my calls and text me saying that he was in meetings, when really he was really just meeting his friends and chilling in the house having 2k tournaments all day long. Every time I took a personal day from work, he was also home so I started to figure out that he wasn’t really working, and when I found the button up shirt and work pants sprawled all over the floor with the buttons still buttoned and the pants still zipped, I knew he had just been staging clothes to make it look like he was just getting home.

I prayed to God one night and asked Him to expose what was really going on, but I wasn’t ready for how quickly everything was going to spiral out of control.

I was at work when the woman from the leasing office called me saying that we were being evicted for non- payment of rent for over 3 months. In shock, I called my boyfriend demanding to know what was going on, as he was the one who was in charge of making sure the rent was to get paid each month. Taken by surprise, he told me he would call me right back and disappeared for two days, not returning any of my calls or texts. On the second day, I found him sleeping in my car at 6am when I attempted to leave for work and to my surprise he acted like the receipts he had shown me for payment of rent weren’t fraudulent.

I found out that he had been stealing my credit cards and my personal information while I was gone working during the day to open up lines of credit under my name. He would sit around acting like he was trying to help me figure out who was doing this to me, he even went with me to the police station to file the police report when I when it was him all along. He would take my credit cards at night while I was sleeping to make purchases, withdrawal money from my bank account and steal my car while I was sleeping to make purchases. When confronting him about anything he would immediately become irate and try to guilt trip me and turn the tables onto me to divert the subject in any way possible.

After being evicted, I was forced to live with his parents for two months. During this time his parents kicked him out of their home. I had no choice but to continue to live with them while I tried to figure out what my next move was.  I was uncomfortable not being in my own space, I was confused as to how my life managed to get so crazy, I was heartbroken, vulnerable, and I was lonely.

I made the mistake of trying to forgive him. I swallowed a lot of my own anger and feelings of betrayal to try to see the good in him and to talk to him and bring him to Jesus. He convinced me not to trust his parents and talked me into coming to stay with at his grandmother’s home. And when I decided to move back to Richmond he bamboozled his way into coming to stay with me when his grandmother kicked him out.

I didn’t want him to come with me to Richmond. Moving back to where I came from was my way of trying to put this chapter behind me, get back onto my own feet, and try to move forward from this nightmare, but the good in me didn’t want to just leave him on the street with nowhere to go. But that’s what I should’ve done.

I had agreed to let him stay with me until March 4th, when he claimed that he would then go live with a friend in Atlanta. At this point we were in a situation-ship because I still had a 2 hour commute to Fairfax to work and I needed help driving and he needed a place to stay. When that date came and went I started to get really irritated that he stopped mentioning getting a bus ticket, claiming that he was waiting to get his ID from a friend back in northern Virginia so that he could be on his way. After a while I realized that this was probably all a lie. And even after I left my job in Northern VA and found work in Richmond, he continued to live off of me, sitting in the house all day long for months while I went to work every day trying to pay the rent, my car note, my maxed out credit cards as well as the debt to our old apartment on a waitress’s salary.

Nothing was really the same. I knew I couldn’t completely trust him. I knew he was a hacker and a fraud and that he was infamous for going through my stuff and shitting on me behind my back so I did my best to hide my personal paperwork and to change my passwords and PIN numbers. I was constantly on edge checking my credit monitoring and my accounts to make sure nothing had been opened up under my name. I felt so uncomfortable in my own home, and I knew that I couldn’t go on like this much longer.

We had finally started making a little bit of progress when he finally got a new license and social and I thought that maybe he really did want to change. But when I realized that even if he did secure a job that I just wanted to focus on myself and that I was tired of trying to help a grown man figure out how to get his life together, I expressed to him that I wanted some space from him and he completely lost his shit, and the real him presented himself yet again.

We ended up getting into a huge fight after I told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore. After deciding that I would stay with my sister for the night, I came home to grab some clothes for work, some personal paperwork and my computer and as I was packing my bag he was begging me to just sit and talk to him. When I refused he became completely deranged and violent. He refused to allow me to leave my apartment blocking the door with his body and bodying me every time I tried to approach the door. When I almost reached the door he grabbed me by the arms and pushed me up against the walls near the door.

He then drew a knife from the knife block near the kitchen door and proceeded to back me into my bedroom and push me onto the bed with the knife to my face. I managed to get up and get out of my room and he proceeded to push me onto the couch in the living room with the knife to my face threatening me that if I did not agree to talk to him that I would not be able to leave. He then began to turn the knife onto himself, threatening to slit his own wrists if I said that I didn’t want to see him again. He threatened to destroy everything of mine in the apartment and managed to steal my computer as leverage over me. I managed to call the police from his phone and to leave the apartment to meet the responding officer outside my building. But by the time the officers got upstairs to my unit, he had already fled the scene.

I knew that he could not have gone far with no car, no job, no money, no license and no social. I had an idea of where he could be, being that he only knows two of my friends in Richmond, but again I let the good in me stop me from giving the police his location. I also was trying my best not to get my friends involved.

In the following days, he began harassing me to retrieve his things from my apartment and when I refused he hacked into my social media, threatening to post porn from my account and to ruin me through my instagram account. During this time I managed to get into a fake email he had created and found all of the lines of credit he had been opening up under the name Grant Book.  A majority of the lines of credit were the same ones that had been opened up under my name as well, so thats when I was for sure that it had been him doing this to me all along. I screen shotted all of the emails and messages of him admitting that he used to “do this for a living,” and by time he was done with me I would “need a new name and face.” Yet again I had to go through and change all of my passwords and secure my accounts, lock my credit report, lock my stolen computer and block him on all social media accounts.

At this time I have no idea of where he could be and I now have to be on guard every time I leave my apartment thinking that he could be somewhere lurking around my neighborhood. When I come home I have to circle the block and make sure that I don’t see anything suspicious.

Its crazy to me, because even through all of the lies I keep feeling guilty that I’ve done the wrong thing by going to the police. But in reality, the person that I loved never even existed. I was in love with a fraud and a monster who took advantage of my constant love and kindness, of my nature of being caring and forgiving and my mindset that people are who they say they are.

I don’t know if he really had intentions of hurting me, but I could have been severely hurt or accidentally killed in this situation, and not too long ago a coworker of mine was killed in a domestic violence dispute. I kept asking God why he decided to put her into my life for that brief period of time, and I now realize that God was showing me what could really happen if I continued to be in a relationship with someone like this.

He is a womanizer, a con artist, an opportunist, a pathological liar and a fraud and for a long time I was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone what I’ve gone through. Not many people know what I’ve been going through for the past few months, but I think its safe to say that this has been the worst, most emotional time I’ve ever been through. I feel like God spared my life so that I could tell my story and hopefully help anyone who has ever been through domestic violence or who is currently going through domestic violence.

Learn to recognize the reflags of abuse, here were some of mine:

Obsessive behavior, aggressive behavior, possessive behavior, lying, violating my privacy, going through my phone, going though my personal information, not respecting any boundaries, stealing, blocking numbers of his family members on my phone, giving me ultimatums, guilt tripping me, using things that I confided with him about against me, trying to break me down, trying to isolate me from my family, trying to isolate me from his family, not having a car, not having a steady job, always changing his phone number, anger, being secretive, not sleeping well, getting angry automatically when being confronted.

Its safe to say that my view of the world and of people is completely different now, and through this nightmare I have learned many lessons. While I continue to pick up the pieces of my life, its not going to be easy, but I know God knows my heart and will continue to provide for me and help me begin to take my life back. People always say not to worry about finding a man or a partner because there’s plenty of fish in the sea, but you need to also be careful because there’s also plenty of catfish in the sea. Take things slow, be aware, live separately until marriage, don’t have sex until marriage, look at who people hang around, recognize red flags, ask questions, don’t always believe what people tell you because some people in this world have no regard for the lives and well being of others.

I was naive to get catfished by someone off of plenty of fish where the only thing true about them was their name and face. Don’t get blinded by chemistry and someone’s ability to woo you and be charming, because sooner or later everything that is done in the dark will come to light.

If you are in a victim of domestic abuse, whether it be verbal, mental or physical abuse please get help. Odds are if there are things happening in your relationship that your ashamed to tell your family or your best friend then something is probably wrong. Don’t be ashamed to reach out and talk to a professional and never blame yourself for being a good person and being taken advantage by someone like this, because no one deserves this pain. I am choosing to tell my story so that I don’t become a victim, I refuse to become broken and hardened by this situation because I now know my worth and that I’m way better than this. I’m not ashamed to say that I am seeking counseling, and looking for ways to cope and to be happy again, as I should be.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800)799-SAFE

-Anissa

 

 

Avenue of Memories.

Avenue of Memories.

“I like cherry blossoms too, they flourish for a short time but are splendid and in a certain sense represent the fragility and the transience of life. For a moment, the picture in which you are walking and the trees, reminded me of my grandmother when as a child we were walking under the mimosas in bloom. At the end everything changes in life, from situations to people. Sometimes changes can be faster or slower, and sometimes they do not depend on us. I like your post and then it is as if you are walking in an avenue of memories.”

-Anonymous

I received this comment one of my most recent blog posts When Blossoms Bloom.  At first glance I was thinking, wow this a really nice, reflective response filled with so much nostalgic energy. But it wasn’t until after rereading it again later on, more closely, I realized what the message in it really was. The idea of it was exactly what fueled me to get into writing my blog, because it had the energy I wanted my readers to feel.

The transience of life is something that I’ve been thinking about more and mores the idea of time. Just that feeling of getting older and realizing that time can be healing or damaging, or feel fast or slow, but you can never get time back. When you finally get to that age that you were always wishing to be as a child, begging to be even, and you realize that life isn’t exactly an easy thing to handle. And sometimes there are days when you wake up and miss the feeling of waking up feeling carefree on Saturdays and no worries on your mind. Looking back 20 years feels almost like yesterday, but then when you actually look around you realize that you’re a totally different person that has been tested, shaped and refined by life.

Life really is fragile in a sense, because nothing in this life is permanent. Every day I’m thinking of how I just want to go back to the 90s when all I cared about was Sunday night Skate 22, Rugrats movies, Pinho’s cupcakes and riding around in my mom’s old Ford Explorer in Roselle. And how I miss polaroid cameras and listening to Jon B. and Joe playing on the radio. I mostly miss how on those long rides to Cranford or Paramus, I used to always look out the window and watch the scenery and the trees flash by, just fast enough for my eyes to just catch the trees in their essence and their beauty. And now when I daydream I’m looking back, chasing this feeling of how can I get that feeling back? All thats left are the blurred memories.

I’m grateful for this message. I wanted my readers and everyone to read this and always remember that we should never take anything in life for granted, because things can change at any moment. The quote ended on the idea of this avenue of memories, and I love this, because I feel like at the end of the day thats all we’re left with. Memories of a time, of a song, of a feeling, of people. Whether we admit it or not, we’re all constantly longing for what used to be, but I guess to me that’s what reminiscing really is.

Thank you for this comment and to everyone whose been here reminiscing with me,  and encouraging me.

-XoReminissy

iReminiss 

Mystery Blogger Award!

Mystery Blogger Award!

 

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Thank you Dynaxty for thinking of me for this award! I love stopping by to get some much needed Word and uplifting scripture from your blog. I admire how all of the answers to your questions put the Word of God first, as life should be.

Rules:

  1. Put the award logo/image on your blog.
  2. List the rules.
  3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  4. Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well.
  5. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.
  6. You have to nominate 10 – 20 people.
  7. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.
  8. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice, with one weird or funny question (specify).
  9. Share a link to your best post(s).

Creator of the Award:

This blogging award was created by Okoto Enigma! Okoto created this award to be one that recognized authors for their blog being one that captivates, inspires and motivates. Now knowing what having been nominated means, I’m so honored and humbled! Thanks for creating this award and giving bloggers a chance to be able to nominate others who they have been inspired by. I think its awesome to show gratitude to those who have touched you and some how helped you to chase your dreams, because if you don’t tell them they’ll never know. Be sure to click the link above to her lifestyle blog and enjoy some tips on blogging, fashion and travel!

Three things about myself:

I turn 24 this May

I get embarrassed by compliments

I love the sound of waves crashing in the breeze

Link to My Best Post:

RVA Blues.

My Answers to Dynaxty’s questions:

  1. What sets you apart from everyone else? What sets me apart from everyone else is my resilience and my will to make sacrifices for the things that I want in life.
  2. What do you love about where you live? The thing I love most about RVA is the culture. There’s so much art, so many different cuisines, historic places to visit and always some festivals or events happening. Oh and the beer!
  3. How are you going to be spending Valentine’s day? I spent my Valentine’s Day hanging out with my guy, just enjoying each others company and watching some movies.
  4. Would you still write if WordPress seized to exist? If WordPress seized to exist I would definitely continue writing. I LOVE WordPress, but there are many other channels for blogging, as well as other channels to express yourself! When all else fails and I can’t get to my computer, I just journal. Journals are forever.
  5. How do you make seven even? (My weird question) Take out the S. LOL Good one, took me a while to figure that out!

My Nominees:

  1. damngirlgetyourshittogether.com
  2. becominghistapestry.com
  3. The Nerdy Lion
  4. In A Messy World
  5. Empowered
  6. Adorned in Armor
  7. MiddleMe
  8. Dominique J. Lavergne
  9. Life Images
  10. A Dynamic Mentality

My 5 questions for you:

How did you find your blogging style?

Who are some bloggers that you have collaborated with?

Is freelance writing something you are interested in?

Something people don’t know about you (weird)?

If you could fly anywhere for a day where would you go (funny-ish)?

Thanks again to Dynaxty for this nomination! I like having the chance to share some blogs that I like to keep up with. I follow a bunch of really good blogs and they’re all so different. The ones that I have shared today are some that I just recently followed or caught up with, but they’re all great. Make sure you stop by to check them out!

-XoReminissy