Life lyrics in a Song

Life lyrics in a Song

 

Happy Monday!

My sister shared this thread from a twitter post with me and it was talking about the different soulmates you meet during your life, and I absolutely know its true that you can have more than one soulmate, both romantic and platonic. Getting older I’ve realized that all relationships are about connections. I think growing up and going through trials has always brought forth the people in my life that know a different side of me, a more intuitive side. I get taken aback when I talk to them, because I forget how well they actually know me but, then I remember that the connection that we have is much deeper than words.

I honestly thank God for writing. I thank God for writing every single day. I feel like through writing, I’ve found such a sense of self and have been liberated to be who I really am. I can finally use this voice that I had silenced inside of me for so long, out of fear of being misunderstood. Through writing, I can express myself in the purest form, and thats all I’ve ever wanted in life, in a career and in any friendship or relationship.

I had a guy this weekend sit with me and go on and on telling me about how much money I can make if I do this, or go into this career, or sacrifice this for this, for this many years doing this. And I was honestly so irritated and anxious, because life and happiness for me has nothing to do with money and I’m willing to make sacrifices for things, yes. But only for what I’m most passionate about, whether that be a person, a career, or a feeling. Otherwise, you end up following someone else’s path, and living someone else’s dream life. 

I know I said that some connections you just can’t be put into words. But It’s kinda like, have you ever heard your whole life in the lyrics to a song? If not, I don’t know if we’re  on the same page… 💋

-Reminissy

 

 

 

 

How Does it Feel?

How Does it Feel?

I had my first therapy session today. This is something that I’ve wanted to do for years and it feels really good to finally be able to do this for myself. I feel like theres such a negative view of therapy and mental health in the world. Mental health is so important. The mind is a very powerful thing and it fuels so much within us. I feel like its a topic that is often unacceptable, overlooked and very easily dismissed. When I think about feelings and emotions, I think about how these are things we cannot really help or control at times. Sometimes when our emotions get the best of us we can’t even control our actions or our reactions. Sometimes we loose control and our mind starts affecting our body and spirt and frankly thats life, everybody has been through it.

I’m learning in life that you really have no idea what other people have been through or what they’re currently going through. It is so easy to wake up in the morning and put on the fakest smile to get through the day, because at the end of the day you know you have to do what you have to do survive. Some people don’t realize that everyones limits are different and sometimes you stop finding that inner strength that used to drive you, or your coping methods just aren’t working anymore, and things that happened in your childhood are finally starting to affect your adult life. It can get overwhelming enough to where theres nothing else to do but help yourself. I just don’t see why the idea of it all is so frowned upon.

After opening up about my situation and really seeing how supportive my family, my friends and my readers have been, I just want to say that if you need to help you should absolutely do that. Having a professional who is honest, unbiased, non-judgmental; who just listens to you vent and hears whats in between the lines of what you are really trying to express was the most freeing experience.

They do not react in emotion so you are able to get your point across at your own pace, without interruption of opinion or backlash. They don’t say things like, “don’t feel that way,” or “you shouldn’t feel that way” or you’re so this or that for feeling that way.” I wish I would’ve done this years ago, because you cannot help how you feel at times, and that’s the point. They help you get to the source of whats driving your deepest feelings or why you feel so deeply and intensely about a life event or situation.

So how does it feel you ask? I feel great! I’m all about healing so I think everyone should try it. My cousin told me today to do what’s best for you, when it comes to therapy trust the process and don’t rush the process. Trust it, don’t rush it. Thanks Liz, I like it. Good words to live by 💋.

-Reminissy

Catfish in the Sea.

Catfish in the Sea.

This is really hard for me, but I feel like God is telling me to share my story.

I found out my boyfriend was a catfish almost 2 years into our relationship. Everything that he had originally told me about himself was a lie. He never graduated from college, he had no degree in Computer Science, he wasn’t a Geek Squad Manager at Best Buy, and when I got the eviction notice from our apartment I found out that he had never been paying our rent.

Every single day was a lie. I would get up and head to work during the day thinking that he was doing the same, but it turns out he would get dressed and act like he was going to work. When I’d call he’d ignore my calls and text me saying that he was in meetings, when really he was really just meeting his friends and chilling in the house having 2k tournaments all day long. Every time I took a personal day from work, he was also home so I started to figure out that he wasn’t really working, and when I found the button up shirt and work pants sprawled all over the floor with the buttons still buttoned and the pants still zipped, I knew he had just been staging clothes to make it look like he was just getting home.

I prayed to God one night and asked Him to expose what was really going on, but I wasn’t ready for how quickly everything was going to spiral out of control.

I was at work when the woman from the leasing office called me saying that we were being evicted for non- payment of rent for over 3 months. In shock, I called my boyfriend demanding to know what was going on, as he was the one who was in charge of making sure the rent was to get paid each month. Taken by surprise, he told me he would call me right back and disappeared for two days, not returning any of my calls or texts. On the second day, I found him sleeping in my car at 6am when I attempted to leave for work and to my surprise he acted like the receipts he had shown me for payment of rent weren’t fraudulent.

I found out that he had been stealing my credit cards and my personal information while I was gone working during the day to open up lines of credit under my name. He would sit around acting like he was trying to help me figure out who was doing this to me, he even went with me to the police station to file the police report when I when it was him all along. He would take my credit cards at night while I was sleeping to make purchases, withdrawal money from my bank account and steal my car while I was sleeping to make purchases. When confronting him about anything he would immediately become irate and try to guilt trip me and turn the tables onto me to divert the subject in any way possible.

After being evicted, I was forced to live with his parents for two months. During this time his parents kicked him out of their home. I had no choice but to continue to live with them while I tried to figure out what my next move was.  I was uncomfortable not being in my own space, I was confused as to how my life managed to get so crazy, I was heartbroken, vulnerable, and I was lonely.

I made the mistake of trying to forgive him. I swallowed a lot of my own anger and feelings of betrayal to try to see the good in him and to talk to him and bring him to Jesus. He convinced me not to trust his parents and talked me into coming to stay with at his grandmother’s home. And when I decided to move back to Richmond he bamboozled his way into coming to stay with me when his grandmother kicked him out.

I didn’t want him to come with me to Richmond. Moving back to where I came from was my way of trying to put this chapter behind me, get back onto my own feet, and try to move forward from this nightmare, but the good in me didn’t want to just leave him on the street with nowhere to go. But that’s what I should’ve done.

I had agreed to let him stay with me until March 4th, when he claimed that he would then go live with a friend in Atlanta. At this point we were in a situation-ship because I still had a 2 hour commute to Fairfax to work and I needed help driving and he needed a place to stay. When that date came and went I started to get really irritated that he stopped mentioning getting a bus ticket, claiming that he was waiting to get his ID from a friend back in northern Virginia so that he could be on his way. After a while I realized that this was probably all a lie. And even after I left my job in Northern VA and found work in Richmond, he continued to live off of me, sitting in the house all day long for months while I went to work every day trying to pay the rent, my car note, my maxed out credit cards as well as the debt to our old apartment on a waitress’s salary.

Nothing was really the same. I knew I couldn’t completely trust him. I knew he was a hacker and a fraud and that he was infamous for going through my stuff and shitting on me behind my back so I did my best to hide my personal paperwork and to change my passwords and PIN numbers. I was constantly on edge checking my credit monitoring and my accounts to make sure nothing had been opened up under my name. I felt so uncomfortable in my own home, and I knew that I couldn’t go on like this much longer.

We had finally started making a little bit of progress when he finally got a new license and social and I thought that maybe he really did want to change. But when I realized that even if he did secure a job that I just wanted to focus on myself and that I was tired of trying to help a grown man figure out how to get his life together, I expressed to him that I wanted some space from him and he completely lost his shit, and the real him presented himself yet again.

We ended up getting into a huge fight after I told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore. After deciding that I would stay with my sister for the night, I came home to grab some clothes for work, some personal paperwork and my computer and as I was packing my bag he was begging me to just sit and talk to him. When I refused he became completely deranged and violent. He refused to allow me to leave my apartment blocking the door with his body and bodying me every time I tried to approach the door. When I almost reached the door he grabbed me by the arms and pushed me up against the walls near the door.

He then drew a knife from the knife block near the kitchen door and proceeded to back me into my bedroom and push me onto the bed with the knife to my face. I managed to get up and get out of my room and he proceeded to push me onto the couch in the living room with the knife to my face threatening me that if I did not agree to talk to him that I would not be able to leave. He then began to turn the knife onto himself, threatening to slit his own wrists if I said that I didn’t want to see him again. He threatened to destroy everything of mine in the apartment and managed to steal my computer as leverage over me. I managed to call the police from his phone and to leave the apartment to meet the responding officer outside my building. But by the time the officers got upstairs to my unit, he had already fled the scene.

I knew that he could not have gone far with no car, no job, no money, no license and no social. I had an idea of where he could be, being that he only knows two of my friends in Richmond, but again I let the good in me stop me from giving the police his location. I also was trying my best not to get my friends involved.

In the following days, he began harassing me to retrieve his things from my apartment and when I refused he hacked into my social media, threatening to post porn from my account and to ruin me through my instagram account. During this time I managed to get into a fake email he had created and found all of the lines of credit he had been opening up under the name Grant Book.  A majority of the lines of credit were the same ones that had been opened up under my name as well, so thats when I was for sure that it had been him doing this to me all along. I screen shotted all of the emails and messages of him admitting that he used to “do this for a living,” and by time he was done with me I would “need a new name and face.” Yet again I had to go through and change all of my passwords and secure my accounts, lock my credit report, lock my stolen computer and block him on all social media accounts.

At this time I have no idea of where he could be and I now have to be on guard every time I leave my apartment thinking that he could be somewhere lurking around my neighborhood. When I come home I have to circle the block and make sure that I don’t see anything suspicious.

Its crazy to me, because even through all of the lies I keep feeling guilty that I’ve done the wrong thing by going to the police. But in reality, the person that I loved never even existed. I was in love with a fraud and a monster who took advantage of my constant love and kindness, of my nature of being caring and forgiving and my mindset that people are who they say they are.

I don’t know if he really had intentions of hurting me, but I could have been severely hurt or accidentally killed in this situation, and not too long ago a coworker of mine was killed in a domestic violence dispute. I kept asking God why he decided to put her into my life for that brief period of time, and I now realize that God was showing me what could really happen if I continued to be in a relationship with someone like this.

He is a womanizer, a con artist, an opportunist, a pathological liar and a fraud and for a long time I was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone what I’ve gone through. Not many people know what I’ve been going through for the past few months, but I think its safe to say that this has been the worst, most emotional time I’ve ever been through. I feel like God spared my life so that I could tell my story and hopefully help anyone who has ever been through domestic violence or who is currently going through domestic violence.

Learn to recognize the reflags of abuse, here were some of mine:

Obsessive behavior, aggressive behavior, possessive behavior, lying, violating my privacy, going through my phone, going though my personal information, not respecting any boundaries, stealing, blocking numbers of his family members on my phone, giving me ultimatums, guilt tripping me, using things that I confided with him about against me, trying to break me down, trying to isolate me from my family, trying to isolate me from his family, not having a car, not having a steady job, always changing his phone number, anger, being secretive, not sleeping well, getting angry automatically when being confronted.

Its safe to say that my view of the world and of people is completely different now, and through this nightmare I have learned many lessons. While I continue to pick up the pieces of my life, its not going to be easy, but I know God knows my heart and will continue to provide for me and help me begin to take my life back. People always say not to worry about finding a man or a partner because there’s plenty of fish in the sea, but you need to also be careful because there’s also plenty of catfish in the sea. Take things slow, be aware, live separately until marriage, don’t have sex until marriage, look at who people hang around, recognize red flags, ask questions, don’t always believe what people tell you because some people in this world have no regard for the lives and well being of others.

I was naive to get catfished by someone off of plenty of fish where the only thing true about them was their name and face. Don’t get blinded by chemistry and someone’s ability to woo you and be charming, because sooner or later everything that is done in the dark will come to light.

If you are in a victim of domestic abuse, whether it be verbal, mental or physical abuse please get help. Odds are if there are things happening in your relationship that your ashamed to tell your family or your best friend then something is probably wrong. Don’t be ashamed to reach out and talk to a professional and never blame yourself for being a good person and being taken advantage by someone like this, because no one deserves this pain. I am choosing to tell my story so that I don’t become a victim, I refuse to become broken and hardened by this situation because I now know my worth and that I’m way better than this. I’m not ashamed to say that I am seeking counseling, and looking for ways to cope and to be happy again, as I should be.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800)799-SAFE

-Anissa

 

 

When Blossoms Bloom.

When Blossoms Bloom.

Isn’t the sight of Cherry Blossoms so reminiscent of the season changing? Whenever I see them I get that familiar feeling of May, flowers, warm breeze, and warm weather approaching. Spring fever! I think I’ve got it, and I’m not ashamed. I just want to open up my windows, get out for some fresh air, and breathe easy!

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When I saw this whole street lined at the curb with these beautiful trees, I was in awe because I love cherry blossoms they’re, nostalgic to me. They remind me of walking around Rahway as a teenager, down Cherry Street, near the train station and by my old dance studio. I was mostly shocked to see them here though, right in the middle of an area that is full of warehouse apartments, pavement, and brick walls. Not too many trees and shrubs. I mean I’ve seen some cacti around, but who doesn’t love flowers and the way they can light up the aesthetic of a city neighborhood?

This day was more to me than just going out to get some pretty pictures, though. I wanted to get these pictures for my blog so that I could share this experience. I had planned to go do a little shoot, but when I got up this Sunday morning it was overcast, it was cold, I was short on time because my mom was coming to visit and plus I wanted to go to Church. Immediately, I started thinking of every excuse not to go do this and just stay in bed, because the idea of it just seemed like more of an annoyance at this point.  But then I started thinking of those episodes of Top Model and how even when the models had just came from traveling abroad, they’re tired, its cold. They JUST DO IT! And that’s what sets them apart from everyone else that just continues to dream.

I wanted to capture this moment while they’re still in bloom as a reminder that the seasons are ever changing, and when you start having second thoughts about the things you have to do and sacrifice in order to make your dreams come true, just do it! The blossoms bloom even when its still cold and wintery, they just know their time. Your time is now.

-XoReminissy

RVA Blues.

RVA Blues.

Everyone expects to graduate from college after years of focus and dedication and land their dream job right away. And although it seems like the idea of it is, nothing short of deserved, it usually isn’t the case for most people. It definitely wasn’t like that for me. I chose a major that was interesting to me and and fun to learn, but when I got into the workplace I found that maybe it really wasn’t my thing. I tried it. I tried management, I tried sales, I tried Human Resources, I tried customer service, I tried restaurant, I tried recruiting. I tried writing.

Since college, I feel like I’ve been bouncing around everywhere. From town to town, job to job. And now I’m stuck in rut because I feel like I know what I want to pursue, but just not how to pursue it fully.

Until now, I was kind of embarrassed that I’m in a new role like every few months, or going back to serving every time I quit a place. It was starting to become a joke where my managers were betting how long it would be until I’d be back again. But aside from that, every job has potential to teach you skills that you’ll be able to take with you to any job.

When I look back, every one of those jobs taught me something vital to my success in anything. I learned how to be administrative, I learned how to interact with people, be prompt,  I learned how to manage, how to pitch myself, there’s literally a million things. If pursuing writing means I need to have these things in order to be able to start a free lancing business, I already have those skills so why not. Skills are instilled.  You bring whatever skills you have, or acquire, to the table in anything you go after.

I got to talk to an old professor recently, Dr. Mier. He checks in on us from time to time. I was telling him about how I’m going through this post- collegiate blues. What stood out to me, aside from his new consulting firm, was how he just told me that it sounds like I’m doing great, and that it sounds like I’m figuring it out. It’s true though, I figured out that I really do like writing so why shouldn’t I pursue it? I just need to keep telling myself that I have what it takes to be successful in running my own business. And him starting a consulting firm makes me realize that you should just go after whatever makes you happy. Where do you derive happiness?

I realized I shouldn’t be all that embarrassed. I don’t see the point in spending time in any career that you find early on that you just cannot see yourself doing for 30, 40 years. Like no, that’s just not how I am. I’m absolutely not knocking anyone who does that, I’m just saying that I personally just cannot imagine hating my job until I retire. I derive happiness from staying intrigued and busy and challenged, but unbothered and autonomous and entertained, all at the same time. And I think that many of these things could come with working for myself, it could be very rewarding and fun!

The post collegiate blues can be hard to go through and get over. Shifting your main focus from studying and going to class, to bills and chasing your dreams kind of seems like night and day. Just remember to chase the things in life that you’re drawn to do, and things that make you happy doing it. And even if you absolutely hate a job or have hated a job and never want to look back at it, it’s never a total loss. You’d be surprised how much more prepared you will feel in life if you just look back on jobs or on any negative experience in life with a positive mindset and realize the gains.

Well, I’m back in RVA now and this is the first time in the three times that I’ve been back that I actually feel like I know what I’m doing, thank God for that. There’s art everywhere, the view is good, the city lights are bright and there’s a mural outside my window that makes me feel like I’m getting a new chance. The energy is inspiring, it feels like the perfect place to start over, and this time with a purpose.

-XoReminissy

Peach Lemonade.

Peach Lemonade.

As you grow older you start to look at things from a totally different point of view. You realize the things your parents probably went through, but shielded you from. You realize what a bitchy teenager you used to be. You stop dwelling on small things, because when you look at the bigger picture you know that there are many other colossal things to stress about. You realize what’s important. When you’re up in life you learn things. Things about life, about the world, about about yourself, about people. When your circumstance allows you to hit rock bottom, it changes you and you learn even more, but overnight.

I’m starting to think that at any age circumstance is life’s biggest teacher, and how you respond to different circumstances is an even bigger realization of your character and who you are becoming.  I’ve learned the most about myself through the worst situations, and right at the beginning of the year when everything is supposed to be peachy and sweet.

Life will not always be peachy, and if it was we’d never appreciate the liberation of getting through rough times. Now I’ve been sitting with this for some weeks actually, and I guess I was having a hard time putting what I felt into words, but I knew once I was ready the words would come and I’ve been looking forward to the moment when I could share some of the things I’ve learned so far in 2018.

Courage

I don’t think I’ve ever really understood the true meaning of being courageous until now. It seems like something you have to have to make it through scary situations, but there’s more to it than that. Encouraging someone is like instilling the will into them that they need but don’t have, so having courage is like instilling that same will into yourself. Courage is important, because at some point you’re going to be broken and the journey ahead is going to be foggy and uncertain, and that courage inside you is going to lead the way to get you through.

Strength

In Church I learned that sometimes we allow our negative feelings about something or towards something prevent us from moving forward. Feels are inevitable, but even if you feel hurt, angry or discouraged, feelings can’t kill you. There’s truth in this, because there are times when it really does feel like the way we feel during a situation is killing us when it’s too hard to bare. But sometimes you have to swallow your feelings at that moment or for how ever long you need to, to stay focused on what your plan is to overcome. Feelings will not kill you!

Sacrifice 

What are you willing to do for the things you want in life? What are you willing to sacrifice? What if you had to sacrifice your vices, your alone time, your comfort, your stability? Would you do it? You have to know your reasons to do what you have to do, and for you. Always.

Love

I don’t know too many things about love, but the heart wants what it wants and it can be consuming. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve, don’t be too transparent. Listen, reciprocate, empathize and support and never let your own emotions get in the way of hearing someone’s point of view.  Give and receive love, but never let your love be abused and misused. Love yourself first, foremost, and fully, no matter what it takes.

Privilege

Sometimes its hard to accept the cards you’ve been dealt in life, even I’m guilty of being envious of things that other people were blessed to have and I wasn’t. I guess its only natural, but privilege in life doesn’t mean anything if you take it for granted rater than use it to your advantage. You cannot dwell on the things that you don’t have in life, because you’re given what you need in life. Whether it be money, material things, drive or ambition, you have everything you need inside of you to be all you can be.

Faith

I wasn’t raised in a church, but I was definitely raised to pray. I used to only do it because I was told to though, so I never really experienced the sheer power in prayer or the miracles that could happen when you stay faithful to God. I never knew the pure joy of deliverance, or the feeling of knowing that I’d been delivered until God was the only one I could depend on. I had never even experienced Joy, until I started to depend on God, and now I know that He always knows what’s in your heart. There’s peace and happiness when you find a Church you like, a gospel song that touches you or a bible verse that speaks to you. I’m proud that I have come to faith on my own and on my own terms, and without the pressure of anyone’s influence, because there’s beauty in prayer and spiritual awakening.

Patience

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Our perceptions of what’s good for us always gets in the way and you can’t let perception blind your reality. When the road gets rocky, don’t always be so quick to assume that a decision that works well for the short term will also work well in the long run. Be patient, persevere, and learn to wait for greater chances for greater outcomes.

Adaptation

The idea of change used to be scary for me and its true that in the past dealing with change has been very uncomfortable, but through adaption comes evolution.  I’ve learned that you have to adapt to every situation you find yourself in. See the positive and the opportunities that change presents, because that’s the only way you’ll survive. I mean, even animals do it.

“I’ve learned the most about myself through the worst of situations, and right at the beginning of the year when everything is supposed to be peachy and sweet.”

There’s courage in strength, strength in sacrifice, sacrifice in love, patience in faith, adaption in privilege. In life nothing is ever guaranteed or guaranteed to stay peachy and sweet, but be fruitful when life starts throwing you lemons and just make lemonade. You have no choice!

-XoReminissy

Choose Your Vibe.

Choose Your Vibe.

Wow, it’s New Years already! I never realized how much could actually change in a year’s time. There’s been so many ups and downs, and tears and lows but, even in the worse situations these circumstances are only short lived, and the blessings reaped from the struggles make all the pain worth it. I haven’t been myself for a really long time, some years actually, but I feel myself slowly getting back to the old me. For the first time I finally feel like I can smile more, laugh more genuinely. My spirit is just so uplifted and this year I just want to hold on to it.

Now I normally do not make New Year’s resolutions, just because, but this year I just want to focus on my vibe and my inner peace. Here are 6 ways I feel like you can protect your vibe.

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Protect your vibe.

Demand your Respect. Don’t allow people to talk to you any kind of way, stand up for yourself. People will only get away with as much as you will allow, and they will walk all over you if they get the chance. Set the tone, demand your respect.

Say whats on your heart. It is important to choose your battles, but you should express whats on your mind freely and speak your truth when the time is relevant. Holding on to bad energy will burden you, and eat you alive. Communication should be your way to release your burdens and free yourself.

Make time for yourself.  Loving yourself and learning yourself is so important. You have to take a step back from your own world, where you will get consumed in doing things for those that you care about. Why not take some you time and go get a pedicure, get your hair done, read a good book. You deserve it!

Let go. You cannot receive your blessings when you hold on to those that are hindering you. Whether it be friends or family, it can be the ones closest to us that will hurt us, stress us out, and hold us back. It’s not being selfish for wanting to distance yourself from people who just aren’t good for your well-being overall.

Be yourself. The best feeling is being comfortable in your own skin. When you don’t have to hide your true self, your interests, your wants, your needs, your goals, your aspirations. It’s selfish and takes too much energy trying to change yourself for other people, so why would you?

Pray. Make time, because God is always on time. Always.

Don’t settle for less than what you deserve in life. You should have standards that are going to reflect you as an individual. At the end of the day you don’t want people or things around you who are ruining you and draining your energy. You choose your vibe, so you must protect it at all times!

-XoReminissy